October

Issue 37

To:        Satan, the Dark Lord of Evil
From:    Beelzebub, Oversight Committee for the Spread of Evil (OCSEE)
Re:        Let’s increase the general evil on Earth via “useless meetings’

My Unholy Lord,
     If so please my Lord, I’d like to use useless meetings to win humans to our side, while building endless supplies of anger and ill will.  This could surpass politics in leading humans to hate one another.  Think of the credit-grabbing, the back-stabbing, the gossip. .

To:        Beelzebub
From:    Satan
Re:        Ill will
    Explain how this useless meetings concept can engender ill will.  
    I’m out of Hell this week, overseeing the Battle at Thermopli.  I’ll return on Monday.  Get Mephistopheles to help you.
    KMITL.

To:       Mephistopheles
From:   Beelzebub
Re:       Orders from Satan
     Our Unholy Lord has commanded you to assist me in a matter of great importance, indeed His top priority.  We are to come up with a plan to inspire ill will in humans through useless meetings.  Let’s talk about this over lunch today.  By the way, what is KMITL?

To:       Beelzebub
From:   Mephistopheles
Re:       We need a committee
    As this is Satan’s top priority, we can’t risk taking the fall alone if it fails.  I say share the blame.  I’ll bring Marou and Azarel in as well.  We’ll create an Ad Hoc Subcommittee on Useless Meetings.
    KMITL = Keep Me In The Loop of course.

To:       Beelzebub
From:   Azarel
Re:       Lunch today
    A useless lunchtime meeting sounds like fun.  I’ll bring the pizza.

To:       Azarel
From:   Beelzebub
Re:       Meeting about “Useless Meetings” project
     We’re not having a useless meeting.  We’re forming a subcommittee to get humans to have useless meetings.  

To:      Beelzebub
From:  Azarel
Re:      The Value of Useless Meetings
     It’s a kind of recursive uselessness then.  We’re having a useless meeting about useless meetings.  At least we can avoid real work.  

To:      Azarel
From:  Beelzebub
Re:      Sloth angle
    How can meetings be used to avoid work?  Our Lord likes playing on the seven deadly sins.  

To:      Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, Azarel, Satan
From:  Marou
Re:      Ad Hoc Subcommittee on Useless Meetings
    I have expertise in getting humans to do useless things.  I invented sand castles.  I was the one who got the Egyptians to start pyramid building.  
    [Pages 2, 3, 4 and 5 of this memo are lost and/or doodled over. The text continues:]
    It’s perfectly clear why I was chosen for this team and I accept the responsibility of leadership.  Let’s meet in the conference room across from my office at 1 to discuss plans.

To:      Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, Marou
From:  Azarel
Re:      Sloth
    Generally lazy humans will soon learn that they can use meeting to pretend to be working when they aren’t.  
    First, there is wait time.  From the time someone shows up until the time the meeting starts, he can drink his coffee in peace.  In my experience, it’s most effective to have two non-lazy people involved with any group.  Neither will want to wait, so both will come late, but they probably won’t come together.  If they try to, make sure one person’s phone rings just as they’re about to go.  
     The first, on seeing that everyone isn’t there, will pop out to do something else.  The second will do the same.  Pull the strings to keep the puppets dancing this way for as long as possible.  
    Second, there are always parts of a meeting that apply only to a few people.  An employee can enlarge the scope enough so that the majority of the meeting is fluff to him.  This is easily done by inspiring a few side conversations.  Once PDAs are invented, people can spend work time playing games and no one will call them on it.

To:      Marou
From:  Satan
Re:      If you’re so qualified…
     …then do it yourself.

To:      Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, Azarel
From:  Marou
Re:      My Post    
    Satan has put me in charge of this committee.  I expect each of you to bring a report to our 1:00 concerning your views on this, which I will collate to submit.  

To:      Mephistopheles
From:  Beelzebub
Re:      Scapegoat
    Ask and we shall receive!

To:      Azarel, Mephistopheles, Marou
From:  Beelzebub
Re:      Add this
     Close your memo with the following paragraph.  Our Lord likes finding ways to keep the humans from good behavior.
     “If we don’t keep these humans busy doing something unproductive, they might go out and perform acts of charity, or spend time with their families.  They might even pray.  The key lies in finding the people who do pray during useless meetings and putting them in charge.”

To:      Beelzebub
CC:     Mephistopheles, Azarel
From: Marou
Re:     Praying
    Do you understand the goals here?  We’re trying to keep the pious down, not promote them.  I cannot accept this shoddy work.  We’re loosing focus because you don’t want to work with me, but rather coast along on my brilliance, and then steal my glory.  I won’t have that.  I’ll generate the report myself if I have to.

To:     Marou
CC:    Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, Azarel
From: Satan
Re:     You’re the overqualified one
     I told you to handle this.  Have a full report on my desk first thing Monday morning.  

To:     Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, Azarel
From: Marou
Re:     Monday morning deadline
    We have to get this finished in time.  I want reports from everyone by the end of today.  FYI I will not tolerate cell phone calls during our meetings again.

To:     Marou
From: Azarel
Re:     Training seminar
    Sorry, I’m attending a training seminar to correct my shoddy work habits.  I’ll be back middle of next week.  We can meet on it then.

To:     Marou
From: Beelzebub
Re:     Dinner Meeting
     We’ll talk about it over dinner tonight at 6.

To:     Beelzebub
From: Marou
Re:     Last night
    I waited until 8.  Where were you?

To:     Beelzebub
From: Mephistopheles
Re:     Committees
    Drop by my office.  We can chat for an hour or two on how to proceed now that the “Useless Meetings” project is out of our hands.